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| Hello friends who are more invisible than my own reflection these days.
I just wanted to let you know that I don't plan on writing in here anymore. It's a chapter of my life that I would like to close for good, and I hope that I am able to do so. It just hurts to much, knowing that a past has existed, when the only thing that you're trying to do is move on. I don't need to dwell on past love, hurt, and happiness, because even though it has made me who I am today, it is not who I am today.
Even though no one will ever notice these words I am writing now, I felt wrong not leaving you a formal goodbye. I would like to just hope you are happy, and I'd hope that you could do the same for me. Even if these things are as far from the truth as one will get, I guess we will never know. Sometimes you have to have faith, in things you are not allowed to feel anymore.
There have been people here that I have loved more than I have loved the people I could ever meet. I hope every once in a while, a memory or a thought of me will cross your mind. You all continue to pop into mine when I least expect it. You've helped me a lot over the years, since I was young and stupid and didn't even really know what the word love meant. You all have shown me.
I kept this blog around for a long time because it let me see how much I had grown. It let me see how much my mind and views on the world had developed. There were points when I was writing to myself in the darkness crying, and there were times when I was writing to hundreds of people, getting me featured, and not really making me any happier.
And then there were the few people on here that actually cared about me, even for a short amount of time. There were the people that I looked forward to hearing from all day long. Where I checked profusely all of the time, in the hopes that there would be something that you had to tell me about your day, so I could tell you something about mine.
And of course there was you. I dreamed of you last night, and I don't have any idea why. I have convinced myself long ago that I didn't need you, that you weren't ever really real, and everything we had shared wasn't worth anything these days. I told myself that I couldn't think of you anymore, and the truth is that I did a very good job at not thinking of you more than a fleeting second. And I woke up this morning, and I was caught in a loss for words.
So that is why I am ending this personal writing space. I might look back here from time to time, and maybe in a long long while, I might just write something down for old time's sake. But for now, I am going to say, that this is the end of Rain.
I loved you, I really really did.
Love Love Love.
Rain. | | |
| We’re going to a party.
It’s a birthday party.
It’s your birthday party.
Happy birthday darling.
We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much. What a way to start today… It’s amazing how much has changed in the last year. I can’t help but think of every past year. And how much I miss them, and hate them, and am thankful that they’ve happened already, and that I never have to see them again.\
I guess Conor says it best again:\
All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I’m sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I’m sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don’t make
I guess it’s just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can’t fake
I guess that it’s typical
To cling to memories you’ll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can’t believe that he’s really gone
When all that’s left is a fucking song and
I’m sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can’t wait. | | |
| Things work out differently than you expect.
I have learned to thank God that they work out at all.
A million butterfly kisses in the dark beneath those striped sheets. I am sorry for dying your mother's pillow cases the same shade of green as my hair. There was no red too at least.
I still need to trace every spot, some day I will.
I need this more than you know. Stutter. React. Spit it out.
Eyes. Yellow eyes. Thank you for letting me see myself in them. I'm almost pretty there.
Too much vomiting.
Touch.You.You're real.This is real.
One winter, this winter.
I don't want to say goodbye.
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| It is amazing how may things can happen in just a short amount of time. I don't understand it all fully, but maybe I don't need to. I don't need to to do a lot of things that I always end up doing though. It gets me into trouble, it gets my heart into trouble.
I am sitting in the Albuquerque airport right now, and i have less than an hour until my flight leaves back to Chicago. It will be the first time I have gone home without having Skyler waiting there for me. It will be the first Christmas in four years where I will not be spending it with him. Although maybe that's okay, he was always grumpy on Christmas anyways. I sure do miss him.
I have found out so many things regarding him lately, that I just don't want to hear it anymore. He chose not to be a part of my life, and I have to respect that. So people need to stop forcing him into mine. If he wants to go around, doing stuff I don't need to mention, it's okay.
He's lost more than my respect in these past few months.
And now, I have a connecting flight after I leave New Mexico. I will land in a place I never thought I'd be alone in. I get to be just minutes away from someone that lost more than my respect as well. Silly silly heart.
I can't dwell on the past...I can't even focus on the future...I just need to live in the present.
Because this winter, I have someone else waiting for me at the airport.
Ohpleasejustlast.
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| I have always believed in God, despite all of the awful things in this world.
Let me describe him as sculptor, a wonderful artist, that had made the world as a perfect vase.
Using the most beautiful greens and blues and browns to create intricate patterns over the whole entire thing. Narrowing the neck and flaring out the lip to make the most beautiful and seductive curves for this vase.
It was once the most beautiful and flawless piece of art he had ever created. So he put it above his fireplace, right in the center, to show off its beauty. He then picked put a spell on the vase so that every day, gorgeous flowers would be in bloom, sitting in fresh water.
But of course, being an artist, he couldn’t only produce one masterpiece, and overtime the vase got dusty, and forgotten.
This is when people began ruining things with their wars and their greed. God was too busy creating other things, so he didn’t have time to dust off the earth vase.
But, just because he was focused on other things, that didn’t mean that he had stopped loving the vase, because it was always on the center of his mantel, and it was always filled with the most beautiful flowers.
You my darling, are one of those beautiful flowers that sits right in the pile of dust, the filth that humans are bringing upon themselves.
And I am so thankful.
Yet...
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